The band bus has ruined me

It ocurred to me today that I have been scarred by the band bus. People who make fun of the band kids really should experience the band bus before reaching this hasty conclusion. The band bus is a place of debauchery, a place of trashy magazines (for some), a place of 1 bus-ride romances you're embarrassed to admit to, a place of Mt. Dew and swearing. A place where the "cool" kids, and I realize I am now reaching maybe just a bit, sit in the back of a coach bus and literally time people in the bathroom and develop a strict no-pooping rule. AND, if people take longer than their allotted 20 seconds, there may be any number of consequences, such as anywhere from pounding on the door, to an announcement being made to the entire bus. ...Or to anyone in the surrounding area who cared to be listening anymore, or who was just plain too bored not to be interested.

And this is the point where I reach how the band bus has ruined me. While timing people in the potty seemed funny at the time, it suddenly ocurred to me today during a work potty break, that I am ruined for life by this. Even though I was never a victim of the time limit or the no-pooping rule, because let's face it, who would actually attempt that on a bus anyways, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I am completely paranoid about the time I take in the bathroom. I'm afraid someone will notice if I've taken 20 seconds longer than usual, or God help me, if I've taken a MINUTE longer. It has become so engrained in my ways that it didn't even dawn on me where this need to cover my time in the bathroom came from until, what, 15 years later?

Well, by now you're thinking, "who the heck would change their patterns to cover their time in the bathroom?" The answer would be ME. Don't believe me? I'll take my purse sometimes, just so people aren't sure if I had to run to the vending machine, have a cigarette even though I don't smoke, make a call, touch up my makeup, go to the bathroom, or any combination of the above. I vary my times so no one notices if I stray from my usual timing, even if it means taking my dear sweet time for dear old #1. I will take a little walk before or after in case anyone saw me and knew where I was headed. I'll make sure to work in super freaky fast trips too.

While the bus situation developed out of necessity, I can't say I'm thrilled about or proud of the end results of what seemed like a harmless and funny way to keep unwanted stench out of a bus. Thanks a lot, band bus, I can't believe I'm putting this out there for people to read. Though I will say, the hubs thanks you for real, because in public I'm in and out of the bathroom faster than he can say "how long has it been?"